Skip to content

Plot: passive gamer must defend ancient China from barbaric warlord.

The only thing that The Warriors Gate (released in Mainland China as 勇士之門 and most of the English-speaking world The Warriors Gate – except in North America where it was called Enter the Warriors Gate) has going for it that it’s more or less a remake of The Forbidden Kingdom (功夫之王) (2008), which was in dire need of remaking because… it was only eight years old? The Forbidden Kingdom (2008) had the good fortune to have both Jet Li and Jackie Chan. The Warriors Gate makes the exact same mistakes that made The Forbidden Kingdom (2008) so reviled among fanatics who actually watch and know Asian martial arts and wuxia films. The Warriors Gate is a Chinese co-production with about three name stars but written, produced, and directed by a bunch of Europeans and Americans who seem to have no understanding of the nuances and subtleties of a good period costume wuxia, except that they typically feature high-flying, wire-fu action choreography, beautiful women in ornate dresses and heroic storylines full of betrayal, quests, and arcane magic. The Warriors Gate has all of that to lesser or greater degree, but has apparently no idea what to do with any of it. It almost makes you yearn for The Thousand Faces Of Dunjia (2017).

The Forbidden Kingdom (2008) had Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Liu Yi-Fei, and Li Bing-Bing with action choreography from Yuen Wo-Ping. In short it had the best acting talent in the business, two of the best martial artists of their generation, and an action choreographer who was a dyed in the wool producer and director. By comparison The Warriors Gate, a few notable exceptions notwithstanding, is almost entirely made up of nobodies. Or at least nobody for anyone coming to this from the Asian perspective. Ni Ni, Francis Ng Chun-Yu, and Kara Hui Ying-Hung are all superstars back in Mainland China and it’s insulting enough that talent of this caliber has to appear in western dreck like this to stay working in between better projects. Ni Ni - bombarded to the next big mou girl after beloved icons as Gong Li, Joey Wong, and Brigitte Lin – has talent to spare and here she’s practically reduced to the role of obligatory love interest? Francis Ng Chun-Yu is a versatile supporting actor and he’s reduced to a few ticks. No one suffers a fate poorer than Kara Hui Ying-Hung who’s forced to wear a silly costume and isn’t even given the decency of a single fighting scene. Tony Ling Chi-Wah’s action direction is up to the expected standard, but it’s too little too late. That director Matthias Hoene got his start in music videos is also abundantly clear. Luc Besson is a good enough producer of mass audience swill but everything clearly went haywire here.

Jack Bronson (Uriah Shelton) is a passive layabout who’s in no hurry to become upwardly mobile and more pro-active to make something of his life. Jack is bullied at school and shunned by members of the fairer sex. To forget his first world problems he lives like a hermit and plays too much videogames with his tubby friend Hector (Luke Mac Davis). His mother Annie (Sienna Guillory) is an overworked and underpaid realtor who tries her darndest to keep a roof over his head. One day Jack takes home an ancient jar from the antiquity shop where he works after school. According to Mr. Cheng (Henry Mah) the jar comes from Beijing and possesses special powers. Jack doesn’t pay too much attention to Mr. Cheng’s stories until one night he finds himself on the wrong end of a blade wielded by the warrior Zhao (Mark Chao You-Ting) who was given specific instructions to seek out the Black Knight (Ron Smoorenburg), Jack’s avatar in his favorite fighting game, and the one prophezied to liberate the empire.

The empire has fallen before the barbaric hordes of Arun the Cruel, the Horrible, the Terrible, the Miserable (Dave Bautista). Arun plans to crown himself Emperor by forcing headstrong Princess Su Lin (Ni Ni) into an arranged marriage to consolidate his power. Any opposition will swiftly be slain by his forces under command of general Brutus (Zha Ka). According to the Wizard (Francis Ng Chun-Yu) a brave warrior from a far off land will come and embark on a perilous quest taking him across the mountains. There he will vanquish the mountain witch (Kara Hui Ying-Hung) and escape the clutches of the seductive nymphs (Ming Xi, Tianyi You, and Lijie Liu). During his quest this warrior will unlock incredible powers within himself that will allow him to free the Princess from captivity and defeat Arun once and for all… The thing is, Jack isn’t too sure he’s the guy they’re looking for. What in the world could somebody as small and insignificant like him possibly amount to?

As a producer, writer, and director Luc Besson has had a hand in titles as diverse as Nikita (1990), Léon (1994), The Fifth Element (1997), Taxi (1998), Joan of Arc (1999), Ong-bak (2003), District B13 (2004), Bandidas (2006), The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec (2010), and Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017). We would be remiss to mention that Besson in recent years stood at the cradle of the very lucrative Taken and The Transporter franchises, not even mentioning that both Nikita and Taxi were remade for the American market in 1993 and 2004, respectively. That Besson came from humble beginnings and started his career with The Last Battle (1983) (which evolved from a short feature he directed in 1981). His first big break was directing the ‘Pull Marine’ music video from Isabelle Adjani in 1984.

Since The Warriors Gate is a western production that just happens to be filmed in China it obviously isn’t going to be overly concerned with appealing to a Chinese audience. It looks like a fantasy wuxia with a western protagonist but The Warriors Gate is an East meets West comedy first, a buddy cop movie second, and a fantasy wuxia (which it barely qualifies as) or period costume epic distant third. It doesn’t help that it was written by Robert Mark Kamen who wrote the excellent three original The Karate Kid (1984-1989) movies, the fourth (and final) episode The Next Karate Kid (1994) and the wholly redundant 2010 remake with Jackie Chan. In recent years he penned the science fiction romp The Fifth Element (1997), the western spoof Bandidas (2006) (with Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek), most of the Taken and The Transporter movies as well as Colombiana (2011), a South American take on Besson’s own Nikita (1990). In other words, there was no way that The Warriors Gate was going to be good.

Ni Ni (倪妮) was in a far better domestic movie the same year with the rom com Suddenly Seventeen (2016). It’s strange enough hearing her speak (phonetic) English or why she even agreed to a flowervase role in a western co-production. Why reduce an actress of Ni Ni’s stature to what is essentially a glorified girlfriend role? Talk of wasting talent! Uriah Shelton is mostly famous for his turn in Disney Channel series Girl Meets World (2014-2017). Equally lamentable is Sienna Guillory, now a decade removed from Eragon (2006), and back in bad movie oblivion yet again. Her presence in the entirely pointless 2010 remake of The Time Machine (1960) was plenty of evidence that Guillory is destined to remain a second-tier. She wasn’t able to land a decent script or role since the British ensemble rom com Love Actually (2003). Dave Bautista does his best Gerard Butler impression. His barbarian horde look as a mix between Mongol and Viking warriors complete with over-the-top warpaint and Dimmu Borgir wardrobe. It’s as if Besson wanted Butler but he had committed to Gods Of Egypt (2016), so Besson settled for the second best. Francis Ng Chun-Yu (吳鎮宇) is wasted on a comic relief role as Wizard and he was in far more enjoyable HK action flicks as Devil Hunters (1989) (with Moon Lee) and the fantasy wuxia The Bride with White Hair (1993) (with Brigitte Lin). Likewise is Kara Hui Ying-Hung (惠英紅) reduced to a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo as a mountain witch. It begs the question why Besson hired Hui and then proceeded to not giving her any fighting scenes whatsoever. Hui is known for her martial arts prowess and was last seen around these parts in the enjoyably kinetic Madam City Hunter (1993). To say that the Chinese talent is wasted on this western action-adventure swill is putting it very mildly.

What mostly kills The Warriors Gate isn’t so much the assembled talent, but Kamen’s trainwreck of a screenplay that raises more questions than it answers. There’s suspension of belief and taking some artistic license and then there’s something as futile as this. It’s never specified what period this is supposed to be set in or in what region of China for that matter. It’s insulting enough that the fate of an ancient Chinese empire hinges upon a Caucasian westener or that every Chinese character speaks perfect English. If there’s one good thing about The Warriors Gate it’s that it puts Ni Ni in a variety of beautiful, colorful dresses and even some urban casual wear. Given that this is a Robert Mark Kamen script we’re supposed to take it as an underdog story and East meets West comedy which is pretty much the only thing Kamen is good at writing. Where the interactions between Italian-American working class teen Daniel LaRusso and senior aged Okinawan martial artist Keisuke Miyagi were playful and innocent nothing is particularly funny or insightful about the sparring between Jack and Zhao. Miyagi learned Daniel-san something about the world, about himself, about karate. You’d imagine that Jack picks up a thing or two during the second act as they traverse the land for something or other, but no such thing appears to be the case here. The only Hollywood convention that The Warriors Gate doesn’t conform to is giving Jack a girlfriend by the end of the picture, although it’s hinted that Su Lin has taken an interest in him. The comedic bits with Su Lin in the modern world are decent, mostly because Ni Ni does all the heavy lifting requiring Uriah Shelton only to react. The running gag with Arun’s “Kill him, Brutus! No, not him! Him!” is worth a chuckle.

It sort of begs the question why this was necessary. The Forbidden Kingdom (2008) is still widely available for anyone wanting to see it, and it wasn’t exactly a genre classic in need of reimagining. In place of making this a serious period costume or fantasy wuxia this is the umpteenth trainwreck of western filmmakers invading upon territory that isn’t their own and making complete fools of themselves in the process. Much to the delight of Sino audiences, likely. Asian and western audiences have different cinematic expectations and sensibilities. The Warriors Gate is the western equivalent of Chinese-Thai co-production Angel Warriors (2013) which is to say that it fails in every aspect but there’s enough pretty faces to look at. That the western world is finally giving Ni Ni a chance (after Fan Bing-Bing, Zhang Ziyi, and Liu Yi-Fei as well as Bollywood superstar Priyanka Chopra, to name a few recent examples) can only be applauded. However there must be better roles for actresses of her caliber and repute. The Warriors Gate exemplifies just about everything wrong with international co-productions. Sino – and European cinema has far better things to offer than brainless swill like this. The Warriors Gate should have been so much more than what it ended up being. See it for the Sino talent (Ni Ni, Francis Ng Chun-Yu, and Kara Hui Ying-Hung), Dave Bautista, Sienna Guillory, and pray that they find more worthy projects, domestic and abroad.

Plot: an uncharted island, where nothing is forbidden.

In a 2000 exchange for the documentary "A Hard Look" Indonesian-Dutch softcore sex and Eurocult queen Laura Gemser once, quite offhandedly, remarked to British film director, journalist, and actor Alex Cox that, “any excuse is good to get naked.” She was, of course, referring to her tenure as Black Emanuelle that commenced with Bitto Albertini’s Black Emanuelle (1975). Not that Gemser was an exhibitionist but as a model she had done her share of nude pictorials for various men’s magazines in Belgium and the Netherlands, and la Gemser agreed on a whim. Partly because fashion photographer Francis Giacobetti asked her to and because it meant a free vacation to Kenya. The paycheck probably didn’t hurt either. While Albertini’s original helped in launching her star, it would be late consummate exploitation grandmaster, part-time smut peddler, and full-time pornographer Aristide Massaccesi (Joe D’Amato) who launched Gemser to cult cinema immortality when he took control of the Black Emanuelle franchise and found box office success with it. Gemser met her husband Gabriele Tinti on the set of Black Emanuelle (1975) and retired from acting after Tinti’s death in late 1991. Zeudi Araya and Me Me Lai were only minor celebrities compared to miss Gemser, who has been enshrined as the definite queen of Italo exploitation.

While history has mostly remembered her for her association and voluminous oeuvre with D’Amato, Gemser didn’t work with him exclusively. With an impressive three decades and covering a variety of genres (usually softcore erotica or horror, or some permutation thereof) Gemser would work with supreme hacks Bruno Mattei, and Mario Bianchi just as often. Everybody has a few skeletons hidden in their closet, and Laura Gemser is no different in that regard. In between (official and illicit) sequels to Black Emanuelle (1975) and Emmanuelle: L’Antivierge (1975), the first sequel to Just Jaeckin/Emmanuelle Arsan’s scandalous Emmanuelle (1974) (with Sylvia Kristel) Gemser appeared in A Beach Called Desire (released domestically as La spiaggia del desiderio), a little known (or remembered) Venezuelan-Italian co-production directed by the duo Enzo D’Ambrosio and Humberto Morales. A Beach Called Desire was one of six movies Gemser shot in 1976, three of which tried to pass itself off as a Black Emanuelle sequel. The most significant of those being Eva Nera (1976) which sort of laid the groundwork for D’Amato’s official sequels Emanuelle in Bangkok (1976), Emanuelle in America (1977), Emanuelle Around the World (1977), and Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals (1977). No wonder then that this little ditty has fallen into obscurity. “an uncharted island, where nothing is forbidden!” screams the poster. Not even a naked Laura Gemser can salvage this exercise in tedium. A Beach Called Desire effortlessly manages to fail both as a jungle adventure and as a soft sex yarn.

Shipwrecked junkie Daniel (Paolo Giusti), fleeing Caracas in a panic when a female friend of his OD’ed, washes ashore on an uncharted island somewhere in the Caribbean Sea, having been knocked unconsciousness trying to escape collision with an oncoming yacht. After exploring the shores, and trying to establish provisional help signals, one day he finds his palm tree branch SOS sign erased. Deducting that there are, no, must be other people on the island, Daniel naturally starts to investigate his immediate surroundings. His unexpected arrival throws off the balance of a fragile family unit consisting of patriarch Antonio (Arthur Kennedy); a man with a shady, possibly criminal past, and his two twenty-something children Haydee (Laura Gemser) and Juan (Nicola Paguone). Haydee, having never seen another male besides her father and brother, takes an immediate liking to Daniel. Soon Daniel learns that his presence raises the tension between all three males orbiting Haydee, as father and son maintain an openly incestuous relationship, or “game” as Juan chooses to call it, with her. Not helping matters is that Antonio fears that the presence of the shipwrecked interloper might alert authorities to his whereabouts. Wrought by paranoia and consumed by fear Antonio is inspired to an act of desperation, one that will have fatal consequences. Daniel, in all his infinite benevolence and wisdom, departs the island in the aftermath without taking Haydee with him concluding that "day by day, her smile will fade."

Arthur Kennedy was one America's most beloved character actors of the late 1940s through early 1960s, and he clearly was a long way from Barabbas (1961), Lawrence of Arabia (1962), and Fantastic Voyage (1966). Obviously he was collecting any easy paycheck and following the box office success of Star Wars (1978) he could be seen slumming it up in The Humanoid (1979). A Beach Called Desire was probably the career highlight of Paolo Giusti, whose sole noteworthy other credit is Mariano Laurenti's Nurse at the Military Madhouse (1979) (with Nadia Cassini). Nicola Paguone, understandably, never acted ever again. Francesco Degli Espinosa was a second unit director, production manager, and editor. He occasionally moonlighted as a writer but that A Beach Called Desire was the last of just three credits says enough. Augusto Finocchi wrote a lot of spaghetti westerns and was clearly out of his element here. Even frequent Alfonso Brescia collaborator Marcello Giombini seems to be phoning it in with an even more one-note synthesizer score than usual. The only real big name here is director of photography Riccardo Pallottini. Pallottini had lensed, among many others, Castle Of Blood (1964), The Long Hair Of Death (1965), Lady Frankenstein (1971), Man From Deep River (1972), and The Killer Must Kill Again (1975). He’s able to line up a few artsy shots of Gemser frolicking on the beach, but it’s not as if a production like this inspires poetry very much.

Those looking for a 90-minute excuse to watch Laura Gemser prancing around in what little she happens to be almost wearing have plenty of better options. Her early filmography with Joe D’Amato, for one, is a good place to start. As is Bitto Albertini’s Black Emanuelle (1975) or D’Amato’s Eva Nera (1976), which has the additional bonus of somewhat inspiring the official Black Emanuelle sequels. A Beach Called Desire is a lot of things, but it’s an obscurity for a very good reason. For starters, it’s not very good (something which not even a naked Laura Gemser in her prime was able to remedy) and Gemser did plenty more, and plenty more interesting, things afterwards. Gemser was put to far better use in the Luciana Ottaviani romps Eleven Days, Eleven Nights (1987) and Top Model (1988) (keeping her clothes on both times, no less). That the woman who rose to fame due her sheer willingness to shed fabric would later find work as a costume designer must be one of life’s great ironies. To dispense with the obvious, A Beach Called Desire is ignored for a reason - you should probably too…