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Category: Andy Sidaris

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Plot: prominent scientists are targeted by assassins. LETHAL Ladies are on the case.

Get ready for another round of gun-toting, wisecracking babes baring breasts and arms, usually in that order, with The Dallas Connection. As the second (and last) of the Christian Drew Sidaris two-episode expanded universe it functions as both an ending and a continuation and before anything else it has boobs on the brain. Just like Fit to Kill (1993) was a throwback to the earlier LETHAL Ladies episodes The Dallas Connection too is an extended homage to some his father’s earliest drive-in work. Of course, it has nothing to do with either The French Connection (1971) or even The Italian Connection (1972) but a familiar sounding title always helps. Just like Enemy Gold (1993) was a thinly-veiled retread of Savage Beach (1989) Christian Drew’s final episode is also a homage to what his father did much earlier (and, well, better). Break out the candy-colored bikinis, polish the big guns and charge the remote-controlled models because some stuff is going to be blown up real good. The Dallas Connection is hardly the worst send-off but it (thankfully) was not the series’ final goodbye.

Try finding the right pair. Whether it’s a pair of shoes, the right combination of clothes, or the leads in your ongoing spy-action franchise. Dona Speir bowed out after Fit to Kill (1993) and Hope Marie Carlton had bade the series farewell four years earlier with Savage Beach (1989). Roberta Vasquez was a suitable replacement and Cynthia Brimhall should have been promoted to field operative at least two episodes earlier than she was. However you choose to spin it, they were not part of the Christian Drew Sidaris parallel universe. Regardless, Christian Drew had some big bras to fill and to reiterate what we said last time, you can’t replace an iconic duo like that with just any random pair of boobs and expect the same results. Suzi Simpson and Tai Collins chose not to return after Enemy Gold (1993) necessitating him to find replacements once again. In other words, The Dallas Connection is that awkward, uneasy transitional chapter that was bound to retroactively act as the connective tissue between the expanded universe of Christian Drew Sidaris and old Andy’s original canon.

Christian Drew Sidaris looked in the same Playboy and Penthouse pool as his father and tried his darndest to recreate that spark. Alas, while his choices were admirable, he did not gloriously rise to the occassion. Not that Suzi Simpson and Tanquil Lisa Collins were bad. Here it's sometime model, music video girl and Penthouse Pet for June 1993 Samantha Phillips. Phillips was a veteran of real movies as Phantasm II (1988), and Weekend at Bernie's II (1993) and here she got to wield her 34D chest. The other is Playboy Playmate of the Month (December 1991) Wendy Hamilton whose single other credit of note was a bit part in Warlock: The Armageddon (1993). All things considered the two of them did well enough with the material they were given. They had a far bigger problem to contend with, one that literally towered above the both of them. Exactly, by this point all-around showstopper Julie Strain had become - whether by choice, design, or plain circumstance - the de facto face and mascot of the series.

No platinum blonde beach bunny was ever going to eclipse miss Strain. Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. The Dallas Connection is historic for introducing Penthouse Pet of the Month (February 1993) Julie K. Smith. Smith was a muse and longtime associate of Jim Wynorski, that pre-eminent master of massive mounds, that god of gigantic globes, that prospector of plastic pleasuredomes. No one else has come close to matching, let alone surpassing, good old Jim in his unwavering adoration and adulation of big boobs. Unbelievable has it may sound, he somehow has managed to spin a three decades (and counting) career and industry (even if it’s sometimes a one-man operation) out of it. Compared to him Andy Sidaris was a man of sophistication, restraint, and finesse. Julie had played a minor role of no particular importance in The Last Boy Scout (1991) and with her 36D boobs Julie K. Smith was lovingly dubbed Little Julie. Mostly because Julie Strain was vertically and proportionally bigger than her, making her Big Julie. Between the two Julies (the youngest a blonde, the eldest a brunette) there was no competition and the dynamic duo in no time became the series’ new bra-busting figureheads. To say that Christian Drew broke out the big guns, both literal and figurative, for his swansong offering is putting it mildly. There’s no such thing as too big, or is there?

In a meticulously co-ordinated operation a number of prominent scientists around the world are systematically eliminated by a clandestine group of covert assassins. The scheme is masterminded by Amazonesque master-killer Black Widow (Julie Strain) and when we first lay eyes upon her she’s assassinating man of science Jean Pierre (Alan Krier) in Paris, France (yes, there’s travelogue footage of the Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe on the Place Charles de Gaulle). First she bares her own big guns to make him more accomodating before grabbing a silenced pistol out of her bag and killing him with it. Meanwhile in Cape Town, South Africa on the Vandermeer ranch scientist Peter Vandermeer (William Fain), carrying a cowskin suitcase with him, bids his wife (Betty Jo LeBrun) and ranch hand Hans (Don Primrose Jr.) goodbye. The scientist’s vehicle is followed by horseback riding Cobra (Julie K. Smith) who blows up the scientist and his transport with a remote-controlled model car. In Hong Kong (see the Victoria Harbour in the travelogue montage), China Dr. Sun Hee Wang (Phil Wang) and Dr. Joe (Jimmy Joe) are enjoying a well-deserved break at the country club golf course. There they play a game of golf with a leggy, micro-skirted, flirtatious brunette called Scorpion (Wendy Hamilton). Everything seems perfectly normal until Scorpion blows up Dr. Wang with a remote-controlled golfball. Once the designated targets have been neutralized Black Widow and her aide Platter Puss (Cassidy Phillips) rendez-vous with associate Fu (Gerald Okamura) and head to Dallas, Texas.

The Agency top brass Nicholas Lang (Roland Marcus) gets wind of the three scientists having been killed in a window of mere 12 hours. He summons Samantha Maxx (Samantha Phillips, as Sam Phillips) as well as Texas operatives Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall) and Mark Austin (Mark Barriere) to company headquarters. In headquarters they meet up with Agency aides Ron (Ron Browning) and Tom (Tom Abbott). The four agents will intercept famed South American scientist Antonio Morales (Rodrigo Obregón, as Rodrigo Obregon) at Dallas International Airport and safeguard him for an attempt on his life, which duly transpires. Once back at HQ Lang explains to the federal agents that Morales and his late colleagues were working on a highly-classified government surveillance program involving a state-of-the-art satellite weapon-tracking system. The project is an operation of the I/WAR department, or the International World Arms Removal, and the four were to meet at a major scientific convention in Dallas. Each of the scientists was custodian to a micro-chip and they were to make a connection in Dallas, hence the operation was referred to simply as The Dallas Connection. Sam, Chris, Mark and Ron are given a micro-chip each to protect. Maxx is assigned to keep a very close watch on Morales and ordered to protect him with her life and body.

In Dallas, Texas Black Widow and her goon squad have taken up residence at the Cowboy’s club and restaurant, a property which she “inherited” from late Bolivian druglord Carlos Santiago. Black Widow orders Cobra and Scorpion to get the four micro-chips by any means necessary while her and Fu infiltrate the offices of the I/WAR department. In the kerfuffle that follows Nicholas Lang and Ron are killed whereas Sam is kidnapped. Cobra and Scorpion seduce and sedate Chris and Mark, respectively. When the two regain consciousness they trace their steps and deduce that Morales was working with Black Widow all along. Not only that, Cobra is double agent from the European branch of The Agency, planted as a moll and a deep cover operative, working from the inside to sabotage Black Widow’s illicit operation. In an explosive finale the LETHAL Ladies duke it out with Black Widow and Fu in a confrontation involving rocket launchers and a remote-controlled model boat. Once the dust has settled the team toasts over a glass of champagne to all things ending well.

No LETHAL Ladies episode is complete without at least a few callbacks to past episodes and The Dallas Connection lays it on thick and lovingly. For example, the first anyone will pay attention to is that the South African scientist carries a cowskin suitcase like Travis Abilene in Picasso Trigger (1988). In her seduction scene Cobra wears the same green-black wetsuit as Hope Marie Carlton did in Picasso Trigger (1988). In the finale Fu is blown up with a rocket launcher just like the enemies in Enemy Gold (1993), Guns (1990), Picasso Trigger (1988), and Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987). Cobra blows up Black Widow with a remote-controlled model boat just like in Picasso Trigger (1988) and Guns (1990). Bruce Penhall and Mark Barriere outrun an explosion just like Dona Speir and Roberta Vazquez in Fit to Kill (1993). Making a special appearance (call it a glorified cameo) once again is Kym Malin. She was no stranger to that sort of thing having had similar largely decorative parts in Picasso Trigger (1988), Guns (1990), and Enemy Gold (1993).

For what it’s worth Julie Strain gets to wear her signature dominatrix outfit once again (no wonder Luis Royo took a liking to her and it’s a wonder Boris Vallejo never dedicated an entire canvas to her and her figure). Samantha Phillips is another blonde beach bunny and about as interchangable as Suzi Simpson and Tanquil Lisa Collins before her. The shadow of Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton loom dangerously over her (and them). She had the bust but that was just about it too. Sadly, this time around no enemy operative is neutralized by a well-placed bullet between the breasts, there’s no hot tub scene, and Ava Cadell’s “I’m gonna blow their tits off!” has not been dethroned as most memorable one-liner. It’s amazing the kind of things you start to miss once they are absent for an episode or two.

Take a good hard look at those drab Shreveport and Bossier City, Louisiana locales standing in for Texas as we are now in linea recta back to the sun-baked beaches of Hawaii. The Dallas Connection offers an abundance of spies, thighs and possibly even more buxom bikini babes than you could shake a stick at. The gadgets, the ridiculous explosions, and the all too familiar plot all make a welcome return. Nevertheless, it makes you long for the simpler days of bright, sunny Hawaii locations and beach bunnies in skimpy candy-colored bikinis baring breasts and arms, usually in that order. When the explosions matched the breasts in size and frequency, and Ava Cadell and Lynda Wiesmeier were the only of preposterously proportioned outliers. The fixation on proportion that was already a problem in Enemy Gold (1993) is further compounded here, and Sidaris the elder would push things even further.

Apparently around the time the Sidaris were throwing around ideas for a boobs, babes, and bombs feature that was going to be called Battle Zone Hawaii . It was allegedly slated to star Nicki Fritz, Victoria Zdrok, and Julie’s little sister Lizzy Strain. Whatever the case, it must never have gotten beyond the pre-production phase as neither Sidaris ended up directing said feature. Neither did someone else, for that matter. For the next two years the Sidaris took a well-deserved break. The Dallas Connection had all the spies, thighs, bikinis and bullets you could want. Samantha Phillips and Julie K. Smith are singlehandedly responsible for putting fun back in funbags. For all intents and purposes, The Dallas Connection raised a concerted effort to bring the series back to its humble beginnings. And, against all odds and expectations, it succeeded.

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Plot: federal agents and mercenaries wage war over Civil War gold treasure.

In 1993 Malibu Bay Films mascot Dona Speir uttered the prophetic words, “my work here is done” at the conclusion of Fit to Kill, the closing chapter to Andy Sidaris’ multi-decade spanning LETHAL Ladies franchise, a series he had been dedicated much of his life to at that point, or at least since 1985 (although it was conceived as far back as 1973.) Picking up where his father left off Christian Drew Sidaris produced and directed the two expanded universe episodes Enemy Gold (1993) and The Dallas Connection (1994) with his Skyhawks Films in the two years that followed. What Christian Drew would come to learn was that with great boobs comes great responsibility and that you can’t go replacing beloved platinum blonde duo Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton with just about any random pair of boobs and expect the same results. History would record the two Christian Drew Sidaris directed parallel sequels as retroactively serving to link the 1980s and 1990s periods of Sidaris the elder. Holding it all together and illuminating this rather confusing period in LETHAL Ladies history was the Sybil Danning of the 1990s and newly-minted series icon, the late great Julie Strain.

Whereas his father had spent over a decade experimenting with and honing the formula for his LETHAL Ladies when Christian Drew Sidaris stepped into the breach he didn’t have innovation on his mind. Instead he simply branched out out within the existing universe while largely adhering to the same principles as his father. The original LETHAL Ladies were a series of fun-loving spy/action romps set in and around the lush and verdant islands of Hawaii with the thinnest veneer of story as a pretext for an abundance of explosions, shootouts, and funny one-liners. What little story there was largely existed as a preamble to have a rotating bevy of bosomy belles in candy-colored bikinis bounce around and break out the big guns, both literal and figurative, as soon and as often as humanly possible. Sidaris the younger mostly eschews odious comic relief assassins, gadgets and rigged model miniatures and the Hawaii locales have been replaced by Shreveport and Bossier City, Louisiana masquerading as Texas. During his two year tenure stewarding the series Christian Drew tried his darndest to find the right pair (interpret that any way you want) but he never quite was able to recreate the chemistry between Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton. In two years and as many episodes he would try several but only Julie Strain would remain.

Suzi Simpson, Tanquil Lisa Collins and Julie Strain are the main attractions here. Simpson and Collins are the typical Sidaris platinum blonde beach bunnies whereas Strain was not only vertically superior with her towering 6'1½" but she also was entirely stacked with her mouth-watering 40D (90D) bust. Suzi Simpson was Miss District of Columbia Teen USA 1984 and landed a part in a 1984 Pepsi commercial starring Michael Jackson. From there she scored small roles in St. Elmo’s Fire (1985), appeared in the Aerosmith music video ‘Love in an Elevator’ from 1989 as well as Men at Work (1990). She was Playboy's Playmate of the Month for January 1992 and was a regular warm body in many of their home videos. Tanquil "Tai" Lisa Collins was Miss Virginia 1983, was on the cover of Playboy (October 1991) and her alleged affair with senator Charles “Chuck” Robb was subject on an Arny Freytag article "The Governor and the Beauty". As an actress she could be seen in Thunder in Paradise (1994), Baywatch (1995-2000) (for which she wrote several episodes) in 1996 and 1997 and Baywatch Nights (1995-1997) in 1996. Naturally, she figured into the June 1998 "The Babes Of Baywatch" in Playboy. In more recent years Collins has completely reinvented herself and these days is mostly known as a humanitarian and philanthropist.

Kym Malin was a regular in the Andy-verse by this point. She rose to fame with small roles in Die Hard (1988) and Road House (1989) and appeared in Picasso Trigger (1988) and Guns (1990). Stacy Lynn Brown and Angela Wright had no association with Playboy, Penthouse, or Hustler and were purely meant as eyecandy. As beautiful as these women were the series never quite recovered from the loss of Hope Marie Carlton, Liv Lindeland and Cynthia Brimhall. It wouldn’t be until The Dallas Connection (1994) the following year that Julie K. Smith woud join the cast and establish the next generation of LETHAL Ladies. Julie Strain was the kind of woman born to be in an Sidaris flick, dominated every scene she was in and set the new proportional standard.

In 1864, the Battle of Pleasant Hill. General Quantrell (Don Primrose Jr.) orders twelve of his men to break off behind enemy lines and disrupt the Union supply chain and seize a buillion of gold deep in the woods of Bossier, Texas. The men are attacked and slain by Union soldiers but two men manage to flee with the gold in tow. While one of them is mortally wounded a Confederate Lieutenant (Carl Weatherly) buries the treasure on the root of a big tree, marking it with his knife and writing everything down in his journal. Busy committing his story to paper the soldier is killed by an unseen assailant (Marcus Bagwell). More than a century later, in 1993, federal agents Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall) and Mark Austin (Mark Barriere) are preparing a raid on a farm used in the drug-running business of Bolivian narcos Carlos Santiago (Rodrigo Obregón, as Rodrigo Obregon). They are interrupted by the arrival of fellow agent Becky Midnite (Suzi Simpson). The three quickly lay out a strategy where Midnite will provide a much-needed distraction whereas Cannon and Austin will gather evidence and apprehend and arrest whoever they can find. In the ensuing fracas the three cause massive collateral damage and when Cannon and Austin are making their arrests The Agency division chief Dickson (Alan Abelew) shows up out of nowhere. He summarily suspends the men for not following agency procedure, failing to produce the correct paperwork and using excessive force during their clandestine operation.

The sudden suspension of the three agents raises the flags of team leader Ava Noble (Tanquil Lisa Collins, as Tai Collins) who cross-examines Dickson over his motivations. Now suddenly overwhelmed by unscheduled leisure time the three decide to make the best of the situation. They agree on a camping trip while they’re in the woods of Bossier, Texas. By sheer luck and happenstance the three unearth the hidden treasure. To the outside world Santiago poses as a debonair entrepreneur with his high-end Cowboy’s club & restaurant in Bossier City, Los Angeles, California. Unknown to but a select few, including hostess Kym (Kym Malin) and Santiago’s concubines (Stacy Lynn Brown, as as Stacey Lyn Brown and Angela Wright) it also functions as the heart of his criminal empire. First the Bolivian crimelord orders his incompetent henchmen Rip (Tom Abbott) and Slash (Ron Browning) to take out the agents but when that fails he’s forced to take more drastic measures. For interfering with his operations and causing him to lose $20 million in street value cocaine Santiago calls upon his good friend Jewell Panther, known professionally as The Amazon (Julie Strain) and described as “as deadly as she is beautiful”, picks her up at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport with orders to neutralize the federal threat. As Noble digs deeper into Dickson’s case she discovers far too late that he has ulterior motives and that he was corrupt and a compromised asset all this time. As Santiago grows more desperate and The Agency digs deeper into the case a clash between the two factions becomes an inevitability.

If Enemy Gold feels familiar despite not being set in and around Hawaii and featuring none of the classic cast – that’s because Christian Drew recombines several plotpoints and iconic scenes from his father’s original series. Enemy Gold opens with a drug bust gone belly up just like in Savage Beach (1989). An agent of good is in cahoots with the enemy just like Pantera in Picasso Trigger (1988) and the violent tug of war over an ancient gold treasure was used earlier in Savage Beach (1989). The villain is blown up by rocket launcher just like in Picasso Trigger (1988) and Guns (1990). Becky Midnite is prone to wearing tank tops and bootyshorts just as Donna and Taryn in Savage Beach (1989), Picasso Trigger (1988) and Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987). Midnite and Ava Noble are peroxide blondes in the good old Sidaris tradition. Angela Wright, one of the unnamed dancers in the Cowboy’s club, wears the same suspender-hose combo as Cynthia Brimhall in Do or Die (1991). The vacation cabin doubled as a restaurant earlier in Do or Die (1991) and the helicopter killshot was recreated almost verbatim from Do or Die (1991) and Hard Hunted (1992). The prerequisite shower -, hot tub – and dressing scenes are all here and account for much of the nudity. For all intents and purposes Enemy Gold is the lightest redressing of Savage Beach (1989). Christian Drew stays close to his father’s established model but Sidaris the elder’s exercises in spy-action pulp were generally, but not always, funnier and wittier than this.

With Suzi Simpson and Tanquil Lisa Collins manifesting no visible acting talent and Julie K. Smith set to arrive in the next episode all eyes fall on the late great Julie Strain who, quite literally, towers above everybody else. Enemy Gold was Julie’s second go-round as a villain in the Andy-verse – and, unlike the tradition of Sidaris the elder, she would persevere as a villain in The Dallas Connection (1994), the second and last Christian Drew Sidaris production. Likewise would Strain, who played a villain in Fit to Kill, return as an The Agency operative in Day Of the Warrior (1996) and Return to Savage Beach (1998) from Sidaris the elder. Something which, lest we be remiss to mention, only Roberta Vasquez preceded her in. Strain is up, front and center in Enemy Gold, eclipsing every other female in the cast and her character is given a seductive campfire dance for absolutely no other reason than capturing Strain’s ample curvature on camera. Nobody watches these things for the story or characters anyway. Everybody in the Andy-verse has a penchant for wearing impractical battle-gear and Jewell Panther – seemingly a recombination of Roberta Vasquez’ Pantera from Picasso Trigger (1988) and Ava Cadell’s assassin Ava from Do or Die (1991) – can be seen strutting around in either lingerie or leather-and-studs worthy of a 1980s metal music video. Most of the time she’s wearing not much at all because why hire somebody like Julie and burden her with trivial things such as clothes? Not that there’s any shortage of boobs.

Sidaris the younger may not have gloriously risen to the occassion by stepping into the limelight and out of his father’s shadow. While Christian Drew kept the bumbling cartoonish henchmen to an absolute minimum he also excised the running gag of remote controlled model planes/helicopters with it. Thankfully the gun-toting, wisecracking, top-dropping action babes were never tampered with and they keep on baring breasts and arms, usually in that order. Rejuvenation was wanted, nay, perhaps needed as old Andy’s formula was started to wear thin and fatigue crept into later episodes. No other series canonized and celebrated the naked female form the way old Andy did (his only closest contemporary probably being Tinto Brass in Italy). Nobody watches an Andy Sidaris flick for the story or the characters and the only depth was, is, and continues to be found, in the cleavage of the various ladies. Even in this younger incarnation the Andy-verse remains staunchly Caucasian in every respect. Enemy Gold makes a person nostalgic for the more innocuous times of Malibu Express (1985) when Lynda Weismeier was the most ridiculous of outliers and who had an ass to match. The fixation on proportion wouldn’t become truly problematic until Sidaris the younger dragged his father out of retirement and he duly made his return several years later.