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Plot: experimental treatment turns disgraced doctor into homicidal maniac.

Intensive Care is the stuff of legend in the history of Dutch cinema, horror and otherwise. Conceived by the dynamic duo of director Dorna X. De Rouveroy - daughter of Robert Rouveroy, who did uncredited special effects work on David Cronenberg’s Videodrome (1983) – and producer Ruud den Dryver as the Dutch-Belgian alternative to Halloween (1978) and Friday the 13th (1980). Announced with big fanfare and extensive media coverage, both televised and in print, Intensive Care failed to do much of anything. Allegedly a hit in Russian cineplexes and sold to 50 countries worldwide Intensive Care bombed spectacularly at home. Only 20 copies were produced for multiplexes, it played only for a week in Dutch cinemas (attracting a mere 5,000 spectators), and never was officially released in Belgium. In Nederhorror circles there were simply plain better alternatives such as Amsterdamned (1988) and De Johnsons (1992) and as such it remains an item of deserved obscurity and infamy and a quaint curiosity.

With an estimated budget of somewhere between 1,8 and 2 million gulden, in part funded by the Dutch Film Fund and private investors, and filmed at the Slotervaartziekenhuis general hospital in Amsterdam with additional location shooting in Belgium and France this was meant to launch a franchise. Since the international market was always the aim it was shot in Dutch and English simultaneously and even the prerequisite faded American star was cast. That star was George Kennedy, winner of the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor and nominee for the corresponding Golden Globe for Cool Hand Luke (1967). He of The Dirty Dozen (1967), Airport (1970), and Earthquake (1974). This wasn’t even Kennedy’s first foray into independent horror as before his career revival with the Naked Gun (1988-1994) he was in Just Before Dawn (1981). Allegedly Kennedy filmed his scenes, totaling in some 8 or so minutes of actual screentime, in a single day taking most of the budget with him.

As for the Dutch and Belgian talent there was Nada van Nie, famous around these parts for her turn in the racy comedy Honneponnetje (1988). Nada put on a few pounds in the three years in between, but they look good on her. Intensive Care pretty much buried her career. From 1999 to 2002 she was regular on Dutch television just the way she was prior to Honneponnetje (1988). Nada has not acted in any theatrical releases since 2004 and 2008 and it appears family life has taken precedence. Koen Wauters was the up-and-coming Belgian teen idol of the day as the charismatic frontman of Belgian pop-rock band Clouseau. Wauters was the subject of a portrait by documentary maker Paul Jambers which elevated his profile considerably. Intensive Care was intended to be his star-making turn and it heavily capitalized on his popularity with the teen set. The movie was marketed in all the usual tabloid and teen rags. Wauters had previously acted in the drama My Blue Heaven (1990). He has since become a veritable media institution in the Flemish television landscape reinventing himself as a host, quizmaster, and general devil-do-all. His band Clouseau has become an implacable monument of contemporary pop, an evergreen, and remains incredibly popular to this day.

Dr. Bruckner (George Kennedy) is a brilliant surgeon on the verge of a scientific – and medical breakthrough that will revolutionize treatments within his field of expertise. After mishandling a standard operating procedure all funding for his research is summarily pulled on questionable ethic – and moral grounds, plus he’s terminated of his institution with immediate effect by his direct superior, the benevolent Dr. Horvath (Jules Croiset). Angrily Bruckner storms off and moments later he’s caught in a fiery road collision. The disgraced doctor sustains third-degree burns on at least 90 percent of his body and falls into a seven-year coma. On New Years’ Eve the heavily disfigured Dr. Bruckner (Martin Hofstra) comes to life and decides to enact his homicidal retribution starting with the resident hospital staff before fleeing into the night. In a nearby neighborhood Amy (Nada van Nie) is babysitting her precocious little brother Bobby (Michiel Hess) while trying to ward off the advances from off-duty nurse Peter (Koen Wauters) and leather jacket wearing bad boy Ted (Dick van den Toorn). As the bodies start to pile and Bruckner singles Amy out for extermination Inspector Fox (Fred Van Kuyk) is put on the case. Will anybody be able to stop the blade-wielding murderous surgeon?

What is there possibly to be said about a movie having the gall to call itself Intensive Care, and then place the majority of the action outside of a hospital? The screenplay - a collaborative effort between Dorna X. De Rouveroy and Ruud Den Dryver with input from Leon de Winter - was based on an original script by Hans Heijnen is a series of unfortunate events that abides by most of the subgenre’s 1980s rules while also surprisingly foreshadowing the more sanitized approach of the dawning decade. In what is perhaps its greatest error of judgement the international English-language version tries to pass off the Dutch and Belgian locales as America, Washington state to be exact. The choice of victims is completely arbitrary and random that it gives no insight into the means, motivation, and opportunity of the perpetrator. Horvath never becomes a target despite slasher logic would brand him a prime candidate. Ted and the police officers have nothing to do with Bruckner’s case, yet are sliced for no reason. The special effects – and make-up work from Harry Wiessenhaan, Sjoerd Didden and Floris Sculler, respectively, are often lambasted and ragged upon. Wrongly so, in our opinion. They may be a bit uneventful and colorless in the grand scheme of things and they in no way are a match for, say, Bloody Moon (1981) or Pieces (1982) – but, then again, Nada van Nie was no Olivia Pascal either – but, damn, if they’re not budget-efficient. By 1988 underground directors as Wim Vink were doing far more interesting things on non-existing budgets. Above all else, Intensive Care was a wasted opportunity. This could’ve been grand.

Where else are going to see something as utterly deranged the following: when Peter sustains multiple stabwounds and a beating by Bruckner, Amy runs to his rescue sobbing and panicky, spouting the Dutch line that single-handedly ensured Intensive Care’s elevation into cinematic immortality and enshrining into the De Nacht van Wansmaak Hall of Fame, “do you want me to get some band-aid? Gollygosh!Intensive Care had the gall to make everybody speak English even though the great majority of them either weren’t native speakers or had to learn their lines phonetically. George Kennedy knew what a turkey this was turning out to be, and hammed it up gloriously. Jules Croiset, the serious Dutch actor, is visibly uncomfortable through out – and Nada van Nie is passively resigned to the fact that, yes, her top has to come off again. Not to put too much of a fine point on it, but the budget that went into the ridiculously overblown piece of pyrotechnics for the car accident was better spent on hiring Ted Rusoff and his usual drunk dubbers. If the Italians could hire him for a plate of spaghetti, what’s the excuse here? Even Rabid Grannies (1988) was able to overcome the language problem better or at least was consistently funny in doing so. We’ll defend Johan Vandewoestijne (or James Desert) over this any day of the week. In those days before Calvaire (2004) and Sint (2010) Nederhorror wasn’t what it is today.

To the surprise of absolutely no one Intensive Care was torn to shreds by the Belgian and Dutch press. As legend has it the director’s cut ran 90 minutes, but the theatrical print that saw very limited release only ran for 74. In the thirty years since it has seen very limited, almost collectible-level, select release on various home media here and there. As is tradition it has been shown annually (or closest to it) as part of the traveling De Nacht van de Wansmaak (Night Of Bad Taste) festival across Belgium and the Netherlands. A sequel was briefly talked about, starring Belgian goalkeeper Jean-Marie Pfaff, but understandably never materialized.

So what happened to Dorna X. De Rouveroy? She returned some eight years later with the thriller An Amsterdam Tale (1999) and got an even worse reception. Since then she has wisely turned to television where she has cornered a niche in directing documentaries pertaining military history and the two World Wars. Producer Ruud Den Dryver redeemed himself in the eyes of the press and detractors with the Willem Elsschot adaptation Lijmen/Het Been (2000) (or The Publishers, internationally) from director Robbe de Hert and remains active to this day. Koen Wauters refuses to acknowledge Intensive Care exists. Nada van Nie probably likes to pretend it never happened, and is content living as a retiree/housewife. Will Intensive Care ever be restored to its mythical 90-minute original? Three decades’ worth of hindsight have not dulled the fascinating mystery behind Intensive Care, how it fumbled the slasher so gloriously, and its subsequent unceremonious burial. Did Wauters and van Nie use their collective clout to have and keep it buried? It’s not outside of the realm of possibility – and would explain Intensive Care’s scarcity on any format or streaming service. If you do find it somewhere, pick it up – and be amazed.

Plot: martial arts instructor investigates the disappearance of her reporter sister.

Naked Fist (released in North America as Firecracker) is an American-Filipino production helmed by producer duo Roger Corman and Cirio H. Santiago starring scandily-clad platinum blonde exploitation wonder Jillian Kesner. Derivative to the point of exhaustion Naked Fist not only is a barely disguised remake of TNT Jackson (1974) – its entire reason d’etre hinges upon the fact that it extends one scene from the earlier Santiago production into a feature length presentation. Dubbed “the world’s first erotic kung fu classicNaked Fist is neither erotic, nor a classic… It remains a prime example of Filipino exploitation cinema at its best.

For the first time, and certainly not the last, prolific Filipino director Cirio H. Santiago – a specialist in low budget Vietnam war movies, women-in-prison flicks and post-apocalyptic Mad Max (1979) ripoffs – remakes his earlier TNT Jackson (1974). Filmed from a screenplay co-written with co-star Ken Metcalfe, Naked Fist recycles the plot from TNT Jackson, and Robert Clouse infinitely superior Enter the Dragon (1973). Not content to riff on better movies Naked Fist lifts most of its music from Shogun Assassin (1980), and the trailer is set to a bootleg rendition of B-52’s ‘Planet Claire’. Santiago would plunder the same well a third time with Angelfist (1993) replacing Jillian Kesner with late shampoo heiress Cat Sassoon.

Keeping up Santiago’s tradition of female-centric actioners Naked Fist stars former model Jillian Kesner (who holds a B.A. in business from Colorado university). Kesner appeared in Happy Days as Fonzie’s girlfriend Lorraine, The Rockford Files, T.J. Hooker, and Mork & Mindy. Kesner was married to cinematographer Gary Graver at the time of Naked Fist and Raw Force (1982). Graver, who directed adult features under the alias Robert MacCallum through the 1980s, was a cinematographer who collaborated frequently with Jim Wynorski lending his talents to Alienator (1990), Sorceress (1995), and many others. Both tried restorating the unfinished Orson Welles film The Other Side of the Wind. Following Graver’s passing in 2006, Kesner continued work on the preservation of Welles’ cinematic legacy. Kesner passed away from staph infection, a complication from leukemia, in 2007.

Naked Fist claims that Kesner was the 1981 “grand prize winner at the Black Belt Olympics”, but nothing seems to substantiate that claim, neither are there any indications that she had any training in the field of martial arts, or any experience in hand-to-hand combat. For all intents and purposes, Kesner is and was no Moon Lee, Michelle Yeoh, Cynthia Khan - and certainly no Angela Mao. Naked Fist was released through Roger Corman’s New World Pictures, who ordered the filming of two extra scenes to capitalize on Kesner’s attractiveness. Director Allan Holzman was brought in to helm said two scenes: a warehouse brawl that has Kesner gradually loses clothing, and the second a not particular riveting simulated sex scene. Despite having the absolute bare minimum in terms of plot Naked Fist frequently stalls, when not coming to a complete standstill, whenever Kesner is required to shed fabric, engages enemies in combat, or does both at once.

Martial arts instructor Susanne Carter (Jillian Kesner) travels to the Philippines to investigate the mysterious death of her reporter sister Bonnie (Carolyn Smith). No sooner has Carter entered her hotel in Manila and she’s accosted by two robbers while wearing nothing but her knickers. A scene that was first seen in earlier TNT Jackson, and one that Santiago would reuse once more in Angelfist (1993) with Cat Sassoon and the breathtaking Melissa Moore. The screenplay never bothers to establish whether the two hotel thugs were working for the drug ring, or whether it was just a random encounter. Judging that the same thing happen to Keith Cooke in Albert Pyun's Heatseeker (1995) one concludes that this sort of thing is typical in the Philippines. In the San Francis Bar Carter meets barman/owner Pete (Pete Cooper, as Peter Cooper) and Rey (Rey Malonzo, as Raymond King). For no apparent reason a brawl breaks loose. Having meted out swift punishment to all that assail her, Pete and Rey agree that Susanne is “all right”. Deciding to investigate Chuck Donner (Darby Hinton) after obtaining a picture of him on her sister’s camera, Rey suggests Carter uses wanting to learn Arnis as a front for her investigation. Ever so eloquent, Susanne calls Arnis de mano “the thing with the sticks” when talking to Rey’s master while visiting his training camp in the nearby jungle.

At a legitimate martial arts venue Carter initiates contact with Donner under the pretense of looking for a place to work out, and to make money to pay for her travel expenses. “She’s good. Too good,” one character observes, “she’s a martial arts teacher. 6th dan black belt," one that "owns her own dojo in L.A.” In the opening fight on the theater stage Omar Camar, one of the most senior Aikido instructors in the Philippines, is seen dishing out punishment. Watching a master at work Carter simply shrugs it off as “this kid’s stuff” and assures Donner that she’s up for it, “if the money’s right!” Erik Stoller, Ken Metcalfe in a role he inhabited once before in TNT Jackson, urges Chuck to remain vigilant, but he’s soon smitten with the high-kicking hottie. In Angelfist, Santiago’s second reiteration of TNT Jackson, Metcalfe has but a minor role. Meanwhile Erik’s girlfriend Malow (Santiago regular Chanda Romero) has her reservations about the way Stoller conducts his illicit business.

In a stunning error of judgment that will ultimately spell his demise Donner decides to show The Arena, a venue for high-stakes clandestine underground death matches that was seen earlier in the Cannon produced Enter the Ninja (1981), to Carter. While continuing her investigation into the circumstances surrounding her sister Bonnie’s death Susanne bones up her Arnis de mano knowledge at the training camp of Rey’s master all while doing some boning of her own to keep Donner at bay. Not letting sleeping dogs lie Carter is soon accosted by a number of police thugs, led by one Tony (Tony Ferrer) warning her to stay away from Donner and the drug cartel, Carter continues her investigation despite the obvious level of resistance. The thugs soon get a first-hand experience of Carter's Naked Fist.

Having catched her breath Carter is then accosted by Grip (or Griff in some prints, Santiago regular Vic Diaz) and his thugs, who come armed with a cobra and what he calls “truth serum” and want to know her true motives. In a scene later recreated in the John Woo directed Jean-Claude van Damme actioner Hard Target (1993), Carter punches Grip’s snake out cold and throws it in Grip’s face. Chuck happens upon the aftermath of the fight, and decides to take Susanne to a training camp for The Arena combatants. After partaking in one of the matches Carter leaves disgusted, and is followed yet another group of thugs. Fighting off goons one by one Susanne is forced to take off her dress and heels before slipping into a nearby warehouse. It is here that the first of two Allan Holzman directed scenes are spliced in. During an economic chase through a hallway, and for no apparent reason other than to be included in the promotional trailer, Carter bends over alluringly doing a “come hither” finger-wag while looking seductively at the camera. Moments later Susanne kicks one thug into a running circular saw in a scene later refurbished in the Andrew Davis directed Steven Seagal actioner Under Siege (1992).

A thug in a Hawaii shirt lunges at Susanne dangerously with a sickle slicing her front-fastening bra open - and miraculously not hurting her in the process - while remaining sturdily in place. Carter discards her bra and Naked Fist then recycles the brawl from TNT Jackson wherein Playboy model Jeannie Bell engaged in topless kung fu. In what must be the movie’s most clever sight gag the topless fight is situated in front of boxes labelled Rack Master. Whether this particular sight gag was envisaged by producer Corman, or directors Santiago and Holzman, was never disclosed. In what is either a brilliant piece of reverse psychology, or alternatively a display of Carter’s obtuseness – as she has pieced together clues that Erik (and Chuck) are responsible for her sister’s death at this point - she beds Donner in a drawn-out, über sleazy, neon-lit 4-minute sex scene that includes foreplay with knives, that was helmed by Allan Holzman at behest of Roger Corman. During the sex scene Kesner says, in a line scribbled straight from an adult feature, “I can feel the blood pulse inside your head” – she never specifies which head. At this point Malow has informed Susanne that she’s a deep undercover narcotics operative, and that it was Erik that ordered Chuck to kill Bonnie. Carter confronts Donner in The Arena for a match to the death killing him by dual ocular impalement.

Naked Fist (or Firecracker, depending on your preference) exists merely by the grace of its leading actress. Jillian Kesner was a beautiful, athletic and curvaceous woman that acted reasonably, and held her own in a variety of roles. While Naked Fist sold itself on the dubious merit as “the first erotic kung fu classic” it was hardly erotic, or a classic, despite the ample amount of nudity. Why Kesner never ended up working with Hawaii action guru Andy Sidaris is a question for the ages. Next year’s genre-hybrid Raw Force allowed Kesner to flex her muscles both as an actress and as an athlete. Completely relentless as far as pace is concerned Naked Fist excels neither in the martial arts department, nor in its daft attempts at eroticism. Jillian Kesner is frequently in various stages of undress, but that alone isn’t enough to keep attention to what otherwise is a pedestrian but high-octane chop sockey action movie. Not remotely intelligent or thought-provoking by any stretch of the imagination Naked Fist has all the brawn, and none of the brain. What it does have is boobs, and Kesner is not afraid to flaunt them when it matters.